Fresh install of meteor won't run... says node exec doesn't exist, but it does

This one has me stumped. I installed meteor on ubuntu server 16.04 with curl https://install.meteor.com/ | sh and it won’t run – says “No such file or directory” for the node executable, but the executable does exist at that path, as shown by the stat command below. Any ideas?

aaron@enceladus:~$ meteor /home/aaron/.meteor/meteor: line 135: /home/aaron/.meteor/packages/meteor-tool/.1.3.2_4.10vjklo++os.linux.x86_64+web.browser+web.cordova/mt-os.linux.x86_64/dev_bundle/bin/node: No such file or directory

aaron@enceladus:~$ stat /home/aaron/.meteor/packages/meteor-tool/.1.3.2_4.10vjklo++os.linux.x86_64+web.browser+web.cordova/mt-os.linux.x86_64/dev_bundle/bin/node File: '/home/aaron/.meteor/packages/meteor-tool/.1.3.2_4.10vjklo++os.linux.x86_64+web.browser+web.cordova/mt-os.linux.x86_64/dev_bundle/bin/node' Size: 9588912 Blocks: 18768 IO Block: 4096 regular file Device: 800h/2048d Inode: 98634 Links: 1 Access: (0775/-rwxrwxr-x) Uid: ( 1000/ aaron) Gid: ( 1000/ aaron) Access: 2016-05-23 20:24:08.112601257 +0000 Modify: 2016-04-20 20:06:24.000000000 +0000 Change: 2016-05-23 20:23:41.835934590 +0000 Birth: -

I can verify this with a docker repo to document it:

Step 8 : RUN stat /root/.meteor/packages/meteor-tool/.1.5.1.puot9a++os.linux.x86_64+web.browser+web.cordova/mt-os.linux.x86_64/dev_bundle/bin/node
 ---> Running in 0ff6f53c4ddf
  File: /root/.meteor/packages/meteor-tool/.1.5.1.puot9a++os.linux.x86_64+web.browser+web.cordova/mt-os.linux.x86_64/dev_bundle/bin/node
  Size: 24240676        Blocks: 47352      IO Block: 4096   regular file
Device: 2bh/43d Inode: 42          Links: 1
Access: (0755/-rwxr-xr-x)  Uid: (    0/    root)   Gid: (    0/    root)
Access: 2017-07-13 23:19:11.000000000
Modify: 2017-07-13 23:19:11.000000000
Change: 2017-08-28 19:12:03.000000000

 ---> 9cf3a9bd1c98
Removing intermediate container 0ff6f53c4ddf
Step 9 : RUN /bin/bash -c "reaction init"
 ---> Running in 5150aa468da4

Cloning the master branch of Reaction from Github...
Cloning into 'reaction'...

Installing NPM packages...
/root/.meteor/meteor: line 135: /root/.meteor/packages/meteor-tool/.1.5.1.puot9a++os.linux.x86_64+web.browser+web.cordova/mt-os.linux.x86_64/dev_bundle/bin/node: No such file or directory

at the moment that is now a branch